Mariane's Narratives

In a very odd, sorta way.
She reminds me that there are people in the world, or for more proximity--our country, who have far more tremendous problems than I.
It does help sometimes.
But this time, it seems not to work.
I'm suicidal and depressive again.
It happens all the time, every time I am under great stress/ pressure. It bothers and alarms me. But I don't do anything because maybe, I have accepted these to be part of me.
However, I still don't like it. It's not a very pleasant feeling.
I want to get out and be happy for once in my life.
Oh well...
Hope this will pass very soon.

PS
I am not pro-GMA.

am feeling a tad better now.
just watched red eye a while ago.
of course, my family doesn't know. they shouldn't know in the first place.
we had no classes today because it was sergio cao's investiture (he's the up diliman chancellor or was it vice-chancellor? dunno).
so i decided to treat myself out for a movie and some food. ate at kenny's. tried their bacon mac and cheese. wasn't very good. just right.
why red eye? well, there's the longest yard, the long weekend, lisensiyadong kamao, brothers grimm, sky high and two others i've forgotten. the first one seems comedic although i don't really know the sense of the film so nah, didn't go there. the second one seems promising loads of sex and no, i don't want to be kinky today. the third one... do i have to even explain? the next, well i had a tight budget so i can't watch and besides, i'm fed up with adventure, harry potter-like films. the last, it's too corny for my taste.
so red eye. it promised to be a suspense thriller and yet it didn't thrill me. the pacing of the movie was very commendable though. doesn't bore you one bit.
also watched some good trailers (like the goblet of fire trailer! nice). just like heaven, the perfect catch, the constant gardener and dark water (i've watched the korean version and wasn't spooked so maybe i will try it) catched my eye. will watch if have time.
well, i just found out that next week's not going to be so hectic after all. the group report on cable/ satellite media has been moved next, next week because we had no classes today. the group report on political reporting has been moved next, next week because my professor thought our boardwork for the personality profile will eat up all our time.
good.
relieves me.
and one more thing, i've finally found someone who has a black bolero that can decently match my outfit. good eh?
bloody perfect in my opinion.
hah... it did pass at least. not expecting everything to be smooth however. i know my life. i know how fucking spontaneous it can get on me.
btw, clare, an extremely good chum of mine, visited me this morning to have some good ole bonding. however, it didn't happen that much unlike last time. i still am happy she went here. makes me feel special.
anyway, i don't know why but i feel like i sound british in this entry.
mighty much i suppose.
see?
heehee...
til next time, mates!
tata!
PS
am so sad the impeachment complaint got dumped.
the philippine government is so fucked up.

sept. 10
went to tracy's debut sans the cotillion... and mind you, i sang! of course it was terrible because i had a terrible case of cold and well, my voice isn't really pleasant in the first place.
the food was what i liked best. the motif of the debut was green, kinda slytherin green.
arao was supposed to be part of the whole debut but she wasn't able to make it in time because of the storm and traffic that greeted her from bataan. she was in time though for the gimmick late that night.

sept 11
it was basically sunday already because we arrived at cowboy 12 in the morning.we were able to go inside at around 1 because the queue was bloody long. gomer, one of my friends' bf, went with us again.
and again we chugged and smoked the night away.
i was worse this time. i think i drank four to five mugs of beer, and smoked at least 12 sticks. hehe.
as usual, i was talkative and blabbing nonsense.
arao and i went to the dance floor and danced for two songs then went up again.
that's when i started blabbing again about my personal problem. arao was the only one supposed to hear about it but then my mouth won't shut and so, tougan and gomer heard too. what surprised me was that gomer started talking to me too. he gave advice(s) and stuff. and what do you know, i cried a little later.
i didn't feel relieved after the whole catharsis. i was numb the whole time. ang sarap palang mag-share ng problema kapag lasing.
but of course, the hang-over was terrible. ok lang. na-enjoy ko naman yun kahit paano.

sept 12
didn't attend my kas 1 class.
attended my pe class.
just to find out classes were suspended.
irony. typically my life.

that's all matees! bye...

ps.
i want the new jagged little pill album.

can't think of anything to tell you and well, too lazy to do so, so i decided to impart this wonderful email forward i received entitled "I Believe"

I believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
That no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
That just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
That it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
That you can keep going, long after you think you can’t.
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
That sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
That it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
That just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
That you shouldn't be se eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
That the people you care about most in life, are taken from you much too soon.
That life is more precious than money will ever be able to be.

a poem i did. thought i'd share it since it's been a looong time since i posted one.

RAIN
It’s a different rain
Pouring on my umbrella
These are not colorless liquids
But red splotches of ink
Incessantly pouring
Staining my umbrella
So white and pure
Unlike my faint, fragile heart
Black crosshatch lattices lock
The red splotches that beat
Coursing through my veins
Revering my soul
But that soul is now lost
As lost as yours, slayer
You turn around
And realize I have seen you
I do not tremble
Unlike those you have mangled
With your almighty steel
I will accept my fate
If it means termination
Then so be it
The rain washes away
The lines painted on my white umbrella
Draining down the cement
The cold thing that absorbs
The tension emanating from us
Your eyes pierce through me
Yet your steel hesitate
What are you waiting for, assassin
Set me free and you die
Slay me quick and you live
But have you been living?
You do not even exist
Only the shadows know you
Your very existence is a secret
A secret kept in a hostile box
Even the wild raps of rain
Will not perforate
Will not absorb
The inimical lid
I bow my head down
I do not want to see anymore
My eyes will not betray me
They will not show my emotions
They will not give you the pleasure
Of the terror racking my bones
The discomfort in my heart
The nausea in my throat
My eyes were built to shield
Any feeling that my heart permits
You lift my chin
To force your gaze upon me
Your eyes try to read me
I do not give you any emotions
I will die with my black orbs
With my emotionless sight
Your eyes do the same
Just amber flecks of fury
Or is it guilt?
You are not a man
Excellent in hiding his feelings
Why show pity for a woman
An unfortunate woman like me?
Your slender finger traces the skin under my chin
You will not elicit anything from me
You furrow your brows
Amazed and irritated at my cool demeanor
Your finger leaves my chin
I bow my head again
I hear you flick your steel
I smell not the heavy scent of rain
But the metallic stench of blood
A lightning cracks the sky open
For a moment I am distracted
When the thunder has finished roaring
I am now one with the cement
My own blood stains the pelting rain
My umbrella is drenched with red splotches
My face is drowned by the angry torrents
You hover above me
I reach out my fragile hand
Slowly and vainly
You grasp my hands
Pressing my fingertips
And as the lightning cackles again
The last thing I see
Is the merciless rain
The slayer stealthily slithers away
From my mangled body
Slithers away like the rain
The rain of blood he had created

Was supposed to post this yesterday. Anyway, read on.
September proved to be a hectic month. Though my actual hell weeks started later on, they promised utter panic and paranoia.
My theme song should have been Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day, because when September ends, I'm free as a bird!
Oops, not quite because I still have my Film 100 finals on the 2nd and a Comm 100 make-up class on the 1st.
Well, next week, I'll be having my last group report for Comm 100, which we decided would be a mini-skit; my finals for Journ 101, which I really think is going to be difficult; and my finals for Pol Sci 14, which frightens me a bit because I need to maintain my 1.0 standing and the test will definitely be difficult.
I'm actually been lazing up these past few days. I keep doing a to-do list but not following it. Guess I'm just eager for the break. O sige na nga, gagawin ko na yung sa Film later...
A little more patience and it's over.
Don't expect very good grades however, but then again, grades are social constructs and they don't really measure one's knowledge of a subject. Either that or it's a lie I tell myself to pat myself on the back when I get a poor grade.
BTW, the Cheerdance competition should have been won by UP. Damn, it's only .22! There were rumors circulating in our campus about the whole fiasco. Well, guess this year just isn't UP's year.
Amazing Race won the Emmys again. And I think it starts its new season today. Will try to watch.
I am starting to love Smashing Pumpkins. I adore Ava Adore and Bullets with Butterfly Wings. If I have the money, I'll buy their greatest hits (along with Alanis Morissette's JGP, and Eraserheads' Anthology).
I am also getting addicted to 3d first-person shooting PC games. But alas! my PC has a-4.06 Gig memory only so I am limited to DOS games and demos. Currently mastering Quake (with cheats of course hehe). Previosuly mastered Descent. I previously downloaded Doom but since I loved Quake more than Doom, I had to erase the former to give space for the latter.
Trivia: I love Wednesdays and Saturdays, so even if I had a fucking bad start this morning, I still chanted it's going to be a good day. And even if Saturdays are fucking boring days, I still chant it's going to be an exciting day.
I'll change the layout on October. Will not be smashing however. Para maiba lang.
That's all. Thought I might share.

monday, sept. 26
slacking off is eating me up.
today i was supposed to study for my pol sci 14 finals (on friday) and read the paper but i decided to watch a movie instead.
watched the constant gardener. very interesting title, you might say. well in the movie, there are only choice shots of the actual physicality of the term with fiennes' character. the symbolic, philosophical parts are scattered throughout the movie. it leans toward being boring if the viewer does not pay attention. it requires careful attention, btw because if one doesn't pay attention, one will not understand the plot. i understood the plot generally but i wasn't able to understand how dyphraxa is related to three bees and the UK gov't, due to the fact that the actors seem to be unintelligibly speaking to each other. my hearing is oh-so-poor...

wednesday, sept. 28
thank god tapos na ang group report namin sa comm 100.
hay, it wasn't very organized and that you know, superior pero it was gud enuf...
three finals na lang ang proproblemahin ko!

I just realized it has been a year since I have been blogging.
HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!!
on a sadder note, I just finished my Pol Sci 14 and Journ 101 exams. I currently have at least 3 mistakes for the former and loads for the latter.
can't do nothing about that anymore.
hay, sana lang ma-maintain ko ang standing ko sa Pol Sci. and sana, makapasa ako sa Journ.