Mariane's Narratives

Siguro napapansin niyo puro essays and short stories siya. Ako rin napansin ko. It's actually a waste of webspace kasi mei personal site ako :http://quintessence.tk. Only that I'm too lazy to plug it kaya alang pumupunta. Oh well, napost ko na eh.

Haha, I'm happy last night.
NO I didn't f*ck somebody. I'm still a virgin you pervert!
I just watched America's Next Top Model and was I so happy that Catie was eliminated. Ayoko sa kanya kasi kamukha niya si Britney and she is such a crybaby. I don't freaking care if she's only 18 I mean, I'm 17 and I don't fuss over things like her!
Anyway, ngayon naman ayoko na kay Camille. She is such a bitch. And know-it-all pa. Bad combination.
Sana next week siya naman matanggal.
The one I do like is Sarah kahit na medyo droopy yung eyes niya. Unfortunately, hindi siya yung mananalo. I spoiled myself kung sino eh. Pero it's alright. Deserve naman nung nanalo.
BTW the girl in the picture I attached is Sara, my favorite contestant.

Am I the morose stranger you met

at Starbucks three months ago?

Or am I the buoyant soul

you laughed with

while watching the sunset?

Or maybe I am the nonchalant fellow

you accepted entirely,

though reluctant?

Or the intrepid lover,

daring to curse the gods for you?

I really don't know.

It doesn't seem to matter now;

I can't decipher the truth

from the lies.

Because it used to be,

when you were with me,

these inevitable masks were immaterial.

They surreptitiously dissolved

into that one identity

only you knew.

But now that you're gone,

WHO AM I?

If all that I ever was

were in your imperturbable hands and loving arms?

If you took my heart and identity,

what is there left for me to live with?

Nothing but a face bereft of identity;

A face bereft of you.

*I made this*

I read this when I was on the brink of killing myself again. Quite helpful to tell you honestly.
If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

I donТt know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, youТre reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I wonТt argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, youТre still reading, and thatТs very good. IТd like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that youТre at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So letТs hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

Start by considering this statement:

УSuicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.Ф

ThatТs all itТs about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesnТt even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.


DonТt accept it if someone tells you, УthatТs not enough to be suicidal about.Ф There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.


1 You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

2 Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, УI will wait 24 hours before I do anything.Ф Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesnТt mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if itТs just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.

3 People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

4 Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone whatТs going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But donТt give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

5 Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.


Well, itТs been a few minutes and youТre still with me. IТm really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So letТs give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.


Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose wonТt be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. ItТs time to start looking around for one of them.

I got inspired to write this story while I was crossing the road going to the jeepney stop. I hope you understand it. Review is appreciated.

The Handkerchief

I saw it. And yet I did not bother to notice. I shrugged it off, like a dust on my shoulder and now, I must face how this foreboding resulted. Do I regret it? No, because it was meant to be. Nothing could have saved her. The whole event is inevitable. Because death in itself is inevitable.

She always brought with her a red handkerchief. Either one of those would have floral patterns or black plain lines or sometimes, she even brings them with a name emblazoned on its hem—a name not hers.

But yesterday, she brought a different handkerchief. It was not red. It did not have floral patterns. The emblazoned names were nowhere to be found. The black plain lines seemed to spread on the cloth for yesterday, she brought a black handkerchief. It was bereft of design or emotion. The darkness of black swallowed the cloth.

And the way she held her handkerchief was also different. Usually, she would fold her handkerchiefs properly, as if they were ironed every minute. But this one, she crumpled it, driving all the unwanted energy from her body to that black cloth. Maybe she wanted it to absorb her emotions. Maybe she wanted to tell the people subtly how angry, how despondent she was. Yet nobody saw her signs. Only I saw it. And yet I didn’t bother to notice.

Emotions have always been Julianne’s forte. She would burst in the room with her smiles and giggles and bucketful of stories. She would infect everyone with her charisma, her enthusiasm and soon, the room would become an explosion of Julianne’s happy concoction. I once smiled because of her. I’m telling you, Julianne is one happy woman.

Or so we thought. I mean, they. You see, I’ve been watching Julianne for the past three months now and I have noticed that somehow her handkerchiefs reflect her mood. Most of the time they’re red but sometimes I would see she would bring a blue checkered one with the brand on its hem (this means she is frustrated) or a green ethnic looking one with a long black line around the hems (this means she is nervous or anxious). And when she does bring a different colored hankie, her mood just seems to be different. She tries to hide it—the shifting of her emotions—by bursting into the class with her sparkling smile and charming hellos but when no one is looking, she would reveal her real emotions—so surreptitiously only the desk of her chair would notice. I noticed because I was watching her.

Most of my classmates described her as jolly, confident and friendly and I understand why. Julianne should be proud of herself for the successful façade she was able to pull off in front of everyone. She did not fool me, however.

I know, deep inside, she is a fearful lady. Fearful of losing her friends, fearful of losing her fame, fearful of losing her reputation. That’s why she’s jolly because she knows she is accepted when she is that way. That’s why she’s confident because if she shows weakness she might be pounded for the rest of her life. That’s why she’s friendly because only with them does she remember who she is. Without all these, she knows she is nothing.

Julianne—she’s never been happy, never been confident, never been friendly. I bet during her High School days she was nobody. That’s why here in College she’s all that she wasn’t before because she wanted to get out of that dark past. She wanted to be somebody. Her handkerchief tells me so.

The floral patterns seek for greener pastures. The emblazoned names which aren’t hers remind her how “borrowed” her character is. The black plain lines symbolize who she really is—plain, blank and dark.

How do I know? It’s a gift I got from my father. He trained me when I was young on how to do it. He said that there are psychological reasons as to how people choose their handkerchiefs everyday. There are certain indicators that “foretell” what would happen to that person on that day and what he or she is feeling on that day by just looking at their handkerchiefs.

And so it alarmed me when she brought a black handkerchief. Having set the previous analysis, does this mean she is going back to that old self she shelved a long time ago? It alarmed me but I did not bother to notice it.

I don’t know why on that specific day did I not “psychologize” her. I always do it, you see. The moment she sits down on her chair, I would analyze Julianne Patterson. Why did I not do it on that day? Maybe because I was tired of knowing her through intuitive analysis. Or maybe because God willed me so.

She killed herself—drank sleeping pills—in her dorm room after dinner. Her roommate Maya, was the first to see her cadaver. She couldn’t stop shaking after that. A lot were shocked when she did it. Bright girl, our professors would say. A wasted beauty, some of our jocks would lament. What promising future she would have had, my classmates’ parents would utter. She was a good person, Julianne’s friends would choke.

They were all wrong. I was the only one who knew Julianne. But I didn’t bother to tell her I felt the same. I didn’t bother to ask her what was wrong. I didn’t bother to open up to her. I didn’t bother to become her friend. I chose to stare at her black handkerchief, reading it and insisting there was nothing there.

I know it—her death. The moment I knew Cole dumped her for Hallie, I knew she would be devastated. She pretended she was okay, averting to the topic. She pretended—I knew it. And yet I chose my silence.

Who was I to her anyway? I am merely her classmate, her groupmate sometimes and her schoolmate. I was not even close to a friend. Who was I to comfort her? To open up to her? To tell her all I knew about her? I was merely a stranger. And definitely, she would not believe me. I know because I know her so well.

And so, I remain no one. I must pretend I didn’t know. I must pretend. This is Julianne’s fate. She did fulfill her task—forever be a “happy woman” in front of everybody, a far cry from the dejected Julianne she used to be. Everybody but me. Because it was I who saw the black handkerchief. Only I. And yet I did not bother to notice.

poem po ito na ginawa ko.

you briskly walk the streets of the night
the lurking darkness is only a natural phenomenon
there is no such thing as safety
only survival and terror is permitted
and all else is swallowed by the pitch black night
so you continue your uncertain steps
hoping you are permitted into this
this so-called world of the so-called night
you feign the throbbing terror
that might envelop your heart
but you know it is the truth
it is the only allowable emotion
and all else is swallowed by the pitch black night
suddenly, you know the night's answer to your request
for a hand grabs your mouth
your eyes widen with shock and panic
the denied terror has swallowed you whole
you have purposely ignored the signposts
you have let futile, beautiful thoughts in
yet you know none of those are possible
for only survival and terror surround this realm
and all else, including you, is swallowed by the pitch black night

really, really nice poem. not by me, however, it's by matthew arnold. malalim siya pero pag binasa mo ng tatlo o apat na beses, mage-gets mo. (o kaya isearch mo sa net yung analysis, di ba? lol)

The sea is calm to-night.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; -on the French coast the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand,
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanch'd land,
Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.
Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the Aegean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furl'd.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

[1867]

I suck at duckpin bowling. Biruin mo, hindi pa ako nakakapasa (the passing score is at least 70 pins per game) and to think, isang sem na kami naglalaro!
The highest games I got were always shor of the passing mark. Ala namang units ang PE pero it's just disappointing na PE na nga lang yun, 3 ka pa!
The fault lies at a lot of things actually. Una, dilapidated na ang lanes namin. Since the time na ginawa ata yung Bowling Center, hindi na yata siya ni-renovate. So basically, kahit gaano mo damdamin ang pag-bowl, sasablay at sasablay ang bola mo. Pangalwa, kung hindi maganda ang paghagis mo, siyempre either gutter ka o zero. LAstly, I think it depends on your emotional state. IF you don't feel good, yung negative energy mo napapsa sa bola and thus, negative rin ang score mo. GAnun rin siya pag kabaliktaran.
Having stated those factors, siguro alam niyo na kung paano ako maglaro. Medyo maganda ang scores ko this time actually kasi I like my teammates and second meeting na na absent yung masungit naming prof.
Ironic thing about it is my score gets deducted some pins kasi may erasures yung scoresheet and last week I was the counter checker and this week naman I'm the scorer. Ibig sabihin nun, bagsak pa rin ako.
The good news is since I've never been late nor absent may plus 100 pins ako sa final grade. I do hope that would be enuf to pass me.
Oh whatever, let go and let GOD na nga lang.

Classes were supended today due to ACLE (Alternative Classroom Learning Experience) wherein students get to attend seminars, film showings, discussions and the likes. I did not attend it because it is not required and I opted to do what any student given this opportunity would do: I went malling and watched a movie.
Sa SM North Edsa ako pumunta after the Bio exam (finally natuloy na!), which was painstakingly long and wordy, and decided to watch 13 Going On 30 where bida si Jennifer Garner, my favorite actress.
The movie was a fun-loving movie and if you want to see Jennifer loosen up once in a while, I recommend you watch it (she does a very good job at it, really). 13... makes you rethink yung mga childhood stuff na ginagawa mo dati and all that you used to value and stuff. Ang light, light nung mood ng movie and there were some funny moments. But honestly, I laughed more during the trailer of White Chicks and when I watched Mean Girls.
The flaws of the movie were hindi siya ganun ka-striking. It's not the type of movie you would buy a VCD of or even have a hang-over. Medyo bland yung pacing and the plot would've been good kaso mei missing element. Either that or masyado lang akong perfectionist with my movies.
That's all, tomorrow I still have to wake up at 6 am because mei group meeting ako sa Soc Sci 1 class ko. Til then!

Another poem of mine. Hope na-gets niyo.

When I go, don’t ask why

Rejoice and exalt after you cry

Weeping will never do you good

Move on casually like you should

When I go, don’t follow me

My road is different from yours, you see

I have chosen this road to trek

Stay! You can do more than you expect

When I go, don’t fall astray

Pass me by then walk away

Don’t linger on the misery

It will not help, believe me

Forget our memories made to last

Just accept they were part of the past

All of these things, I want you to know

So it won’t be hard for you when I go

You say you're happy
Everybody thinks you are
But the truth is they can't see
All your lonely scars
You've put up a great show
Pretending to be ok
But we both know
Everything's still the same
The happiness is so real
They never see the frown
They think your lifes ideal
You never had a moment down
I could see the scars
I know the pain and all
In my heart is a raging war
I never dared to control
I say I'm happy
Everybody thinks I am
The truth is they can't see
Coz they don't give a damn
They only use me
To entertain themselves
And when they're weary
I'm back on my shelf
Mirror can you tell me
How to stop this pain
Coz I'm going crazy
Playing this stupid game

Well, I'm going to tell you the things that happened to me yesterday since I wasn't able to post yesterday.
So eto, pumasok ako sa skul na mei sipon and because of this, inantok me. Grabe, lutang na lutang ako kahapon.
I cut classes again (my 10-11:30 class, Soc Sci 1) because Em texted me for help in her emotional dilemma.
I rushed to Katips and we met up at Starbucks. Naligaw pa nga ako eh, pero kinaya naman ng powers ko. So ayun, we talked about her torn feelings about her close guy friend na ayaw naman sa steady commitment. I told her if she really wants the relationship, fine then bear the consequences and "advantages". If she chooses not to (which I highly recommended), then just enjoy the friendship. I also told her na siyempre, desisyon niya yun. It's my opinion so for me, it's what is best. She thanked me for organizing her thoughts and I shook my head, sabi ko, I'm not the best person to ask a love advice for since right now, cynical ako about love. She still thanked me.
After that, we parted ways and I attended my next two classes: MAth 17 and Duckpin Bowling. We had a quiz sa MAth and as usual, frustrated na naman ako kasi mali-mali na naman solutions ko but it should have been correct. Oh well. Bowling was ok kasi ala yung masungit naming prof and I got 57. Next week, Team Competition 2 na so iba na naman ang groupmates ko.
Nung tapos an classes ko, dumaan ako sa Third World Studies Library to avail a copy of the reading or Eng 1 the next day.
Nakasalubong ko si Rachel on my way to the sakayan and I actually considered greeting her pero she did not notice me so I didn't greet her. Yeah, I've said mei closure na ako tungkol sa kanila and even if this doens't sound like some closure, I am actually exercising that idea. THis is my closure.
That's all, til later (I plan to post later).

Well, ala ganung nangyari this day so I decided to post a poem na lang. HEHE

The soft breeze touches my face
Yet I still can't help but grimace
From the battles that roam my soul
They're just beyond my control
The light of the sun warms my body
And yet I feel so hollow and empty
From the longing to gain control over me
From the pain that until now I can't see
I used to love the nature of life
I used to pass all the pain and strife
But now from these changes, I'm shattered
I'm running but I don't know who's after me
I don't even know who I am
There are things I can't understand
Things that circle my head in despair
And visions that want to disappear
And I can't stop the changes
That's been going on for ages
And little by little it's eating me
Devouring my whole identity

Fun, fun, fun!
Those three words describe the sequel of the runaway hit, Princess Diaries.
The whole movie is really clumsy (in a good way) and at the same time, fun. It is also very touching and although the fairy tale ending is (censored, no spoilers nga pla), you'll get entertained.
It is still has the same feel it once had and I think it's even better. There are some parts, however, that baffled me a bit. If you get to watch it, I'll tell you.
All in all, maganda yung movie saka very relaxing. With the economy of the Philippines hitting rock bottom in two years, it's good to watch something that makes you forget your doom.

PS
Did somthing bad today. Hindi ako umattend dun sa project making ng group ko sa Soc Sci. Instead, naglamiyerda ako sa KAtips at dumiretso sa SM.
Sila kasi eh, usapan 7:30, darating 8! Goddamit, I'm not the type to wait that long, you know!

Do I amuse you?
And sate your longing for diversion?
Do I take away the pain?
And preoccupy you with my sardonic laughs?
Enticing you with my ingenuous wit
Feigning to be the person standing before you now
Do you envy me?
Cause I see the light through the rain
And make gold from mud
I wear my inexorable smile
That never perforates my second skin
I fall on my own and reach my own hand
I slay my own demons
I was always alone
Ask me how's the weather
I'll tell you it's calm
But inside my soul there's a longing to scream
The cloak is unveiling
I am tired of this pathetic chore
Being your mad hatter
I break down on solid ground
With no one to catch me
The walls are my only ears
The mirror's my only eyes
The room, my sanctuary
As I prime for my next audience
I cry a pail of tears
I am misunderstood
I will always be
I have no choice but to wear on this hat
Put all this makeup just for you
The crowd rolls with laughter
The show has begun...

This is what happened to me yesterday: nakarma ako ng konti. Natanggal na si Sara, my favorite among the contestants at America's NExt Top Model! It's unfair because di hamak naman na nag-mess up si Yoanna sa kanya no! Pero, siguro, since edited version na yung napapanood ng viewers, we don't really know the real score. Anyway, that's life, ika nga. NExt to her, I'm betting for Mercedes or Shandi because they are the only ones left na hindi overeacting.
Also yesterday, I found some really good pampalipas oras na sites:
http://www.pressanykey.com/mailroom.html (Insult)
http://www.pressanykey.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/pak/briggsMeyersTest.cgi (Meyers-Brigss Personality Test)
http://www.pressanykey.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/pak/candytest.pl (The Candy Test)
http://www.pressanykey.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/pak/colortest.cgi (The Color Test)
http://www.pressanykey.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/pak/funstuffmenu.cgi?target=Personality+Tests (Personality Tests)
Obviously, galing sila lahat sa PressAnyKey.com, which is quite a commendable site for pamapalipas oras activities. Ayoko lang yung reappearing na background sa gilid kasi medyo nakakairita.
Last nyt, dapat matutulog dito si Clare. Nanood kasi siya ng concert ni Bamboo sa Notre e yung pagtutulugan niya (kina Fame) medyo malabo usapan. So you know, just in case. She called this morning para sabihin na dun siya natulog.
YUng today's post mamaya na lang, manonood pa ako ng UAAP Cheerdance Competition eh!

Well, before I give away yung mas important event ngayong Sabado, konting suspense muna.
Kaninang umaga, my whole family went to HOly Cross para icelebrate (?) yung death anniversary ng lolo ko. Naaliw ako kasi ang daming makahiya plant dun. PAra kaming gago ni Trisha hinhawi yung mga plants. lol. Mahilig kasi ako sa makahiya, fyi.
Anyway, after two hours, uwi rin kami. Hindi na kami nagbukas ng store kasi pagod kami. So ayun, inantay namin ang UAAP Cheerdance and I have to say, all the teams were great.
My bestfriend would kill me pag sinabi ko na mediocre ang performance ng Ateneo, but honestly, it was a bit disappointing. La Salle improved their performance; I actually thought na mananalo ang UE kasi ang cute nung costume nila and their dance was ok. ADU was great too, especially during the Ski routine of their dance. I liked the cane/ stick routine of NU and FEU had this beautiful frog-like routine na I think made them win. UP took home the 2nd place trophy and as usual, UST won. Deserved naman nila eh.
Aun lang, thanks for reading!

Well, loads happen pero konti lang.
I didn't attend my SOc Sci 1 class for the fifth time in a row pero siguro mga twice lang ako absent kay Sir kasi sabi nung classmate ko hindi naman daw siya nagchecheck ng attendance.
Hindi ako nag-attend kasi last meeting na sa Thursday and today was only a group meeting. MEron din naman sa Wednesday kaya dun na lang ako babawi. Tinamad ako eh. WAHAHA.
I went to KAtips para kumain sa Little Ceasars, which I regretted kasi ang oily ng Crazy Bread nila and yung Baby HAwaiian nila parang pandesal na nilagyan ng sauce sa ibabaw. ALA pang baso para sa drinks. Maybe pangit lang yung service sa branch na iyon pero that sort of lessened the chances na kakain uli ako dun.
Nagutom uli ako kaya kumain ako sa KFC doon rin. MAsarap naman pala angChikNFillet Combo. 49 pesos lang. Sulit.
MAth was ok. Naiintindihan ko yung lesson ng konti kaysa sa dati. Bowling was ok too, although I was 7 points short of the passing mark. Pero ok lang.
Aun lang. Bukas hopefully in na yung results ng Bio exam namin. Sana maganda grade ko. Also, itu-turn in na yung narrative namin sa Eng 1. Sana maganda comments. Aun lang. Til tomorrow.

So you fall...
And you expect me to pick you up
From your stupidity
Look at yourself...
You're devastated over something
That you could never return
It's your fault...
I told you to reach for me
But you chose to fall in the darkness
Amidst all the tides...
I always showed you I was there
Even if sometimes you trample me down
You were so blind...
I could even see my reflection
When you cursed yourself in the mirror
You were morose...
Maybe that wasn't the right word
For whatever you felt could break anybody's heart
I whispered...
Yet you flee back to your shell
Where you felt you were accepted
I tried to stop you...
I screamed, "Don't do it!"
But you were clouded with your anger
And now you see me...
We're both in this realm
I don't know where it'll end
Take my hand
We'll walk on together
Try to find life in this restless home
Don't be afraid...
Don't rue the life you killed
You just have to think you're safe
Don't look back...
Don't burden yourself with ore regret
I hate to break it but it's true
Yes they loved you...
You just closed your heart
You forbade its entry
Hush now, don't cry...
It's going to be alright
You'll see them someday
I promise...
Though it may take years
You just have to have faith
Come on...
Let's walk on this journey
Together we'll reach our destiny in time
And maybe...
You'll find peace there
You'll find the life and love you lost

I watched it finally sa UP Film Centre. Showing kaninang 4 and ung Volume 2 sa Friday naman, 4 din. php70 lang ang dalawang ticket na iyon. Mura di ba?
Maganda siya, if I were to be as natural as possible, walang halong cynicism etc. Madugo saka hindi boring and very few lines were said. Medyo OA nga lang yung splatter ng blood kasi does blood really spill like that in real life? Siguro nga pero sana hindi naman gaanung obvious na props lang siya. I loved the cinematography and the directing. The angles na inemphasize ni Tarantino were superb. The acting is debatable. any actress placed on such role as "Arlene Machiavelli" could very much give justice to the role.
As a whole, worth it naman siya.
Ngayon, kumain ako sa Ken Afford in KAtips and gosh, ang sarap kumain dun! I ordered Stuffed Pork Chop, Iced Tea and Silvannas and grabe more than busog ako! ang sarap nung main dish kasi inside it has mushroom and cream cheese! YUm! I didn't like the silvannas however kasi masyadong matamis. Gusto ko lang naman kasing tikman.
Hindi pa sinoli yung Bio exam namin. Well, whatever. Math was ok kasi naintindihan ko yung lesson. Eng 1 returned yung narrative ko and I got some pretty good comments kahit medyo disappointed ako na my prof didn't like it that much. Yung mga corrections niya were revisions na hindi ko aakalaing mali. Bahala na.
Tomorrow last group meeting na namin para sa porject making so aatend ako. NAkakahiya naman kasi eh.
Ayun lang, til tomorrow!

if she's happy, would you care?
if she's lonely, would you comfort her?
if she's scared, would you slay her demon?
is it only then you'll give a damn?
if she screams, would you stare?
if she needs you, will you be there?
if she dies, would you turn back the years?
if she cries, would you dry her tears?
if she's lost, would you guide her way?
if she leaves, would you beg her to stay?
if she talks, would you listen?
if she doesn't speak, would you still understand?
it pierces her heart they are all presumptions
they will never happen in this situation
wherein you were everything she loved to see
while she was not even part of your memory

Linger...
Feel the bliss
Shun the misery
As if nothing matters
But your wings
That no one could break
Expand...
Spread the emotion
Kill the phantom
As if it never existed
But your heart
That no one could enter
Ignore...
Savor every cherished moment
Avoid the negativity
As if it never passed
But only your life
That no one knows
Dead...
On the 5th of January
Three in the morning
Winter
You said you were happy
I thought you were
It was all a lie
A lie

Finally, I attended my Soc Sci 1 class. Last meeting na kasi so kailangang umattend. Sa Saturday group presentation na namin and then wala na (yahoo!). He discussed one last topic and it was about man's insatiable nature. Ang sabi niya according sa isang philosophy called gestalt kaya hindi nasa-satisfy ang tao dahil marami siyang unfinished business. Btw, gestalt is the German word for "unfinished" business.
On our journey to achieving our goals or simply being who we are supposed to be, marami tayong mga wants na nane-neglect and sina-sacrifice in the expense of this journey. Mind, body and emotion ang components ng tao and when one component is not satisfied, it opens a gestalt na hindi na mako-close dahil ayon nga sa isang law, "energy is neither created nor destroyed". Siyempre, when we give in to our wants, we exert energy para ma-fulfill yung want na iyon. ngayon, kapag hindi natin na-express nang mabuti ang wants natin, bumabalik siya sa atin. For example, if we are too angry and we repress it, in one way or another, babalik sa katawan natin iyon as a form of illness or fat. This has no scientific evidence pero true enough, pag hindi ba sobrang galit tayo at hindi natin nailalabas, sumasama ang pakiramdam natin hindi ba?
Everyday, we open gestalts. Even the minutest want to eat ay makakapagbukas ng gestalt. Isang perfect example na ibinigay sa amin ni Prof ay yung pagsusumikap ng isang tao na mag-aral para maging mayaman o sikat someday. Along the way to "success", we lose sleep, deprive ourselves of food, set rigid priorities, and say no to a lot of things (love, sex, and the likes). Kahit na gaano kasama ang mga bagay na gusting gawin ng mind, body o emotion mo, basta't hindi mo ito nagagawa, nagbubukas ka ng gestalt and as you continue your journey, you carry this burden with you. Ultimately, kapag naattain mo ang goal mo, hindi ka masaya kasi ang dami mong binuksang gestalts and you never settled any of them.
There is a cure to this at ang sabi ni Prof, balance daw iyon. open a gestalt today and close it later. Ilabas mo yung anger mo, let yourself to love, give in to your wants every now and then… through this way of living raw, makakamit ng isang tao ang satisfaction and happiness.
It struck me kasi na-realize ko ang dami ko ng nabukasang gestalt. The philosophy inspired me to enjoy life more and try to be unpredictable sometimes. What is the worth of having 10 million pesos kung mag-isa naman ako di ba?
Ang cute din nung last message niya sa amin. Quinote niya iyon sa movie ni Robin Williams na "Jack". Yung movie kasi is about Jack and his success kahit na meron siyang progeria. Sa pagkakaintindi ko, ganito siya: tumingin ka sa langit pag gabi at marami kang makikitang stars di ba? pero masasabi mo ba yung napansin at nakita mong star ay napansin at naktia rin ng buong mundo? Gaano na ba katagal ang star na nakita mo bago mo siya napansin? Hindi ba't billions of years na rin? Does the life and presence of that star affect you in any way? Hindi naman di ba? Pero tingnan mo, kapag may shooting star, kahit mabilis lang ang buhay niya, ang raming nakakapansin, ang raming naapektuhan. Parang ganun raw yung buhay niya, maikli pero meaningful dahil alam niya na pag namatay siya maraming tao ang makakaalala sa kanya. Ang challenge niya ay strive to be a shooting star, be different from the crowd and touch people's lives. With that, mas magkakaraoon ng worth ang buhay mo.
Aww shucks, heavy nun. Pero may sense. Niweiz, til tomorrow ^_^

She dries another teardrop on her cheeks
God knows how weak I am to see
That I have hurt this lonely soul
Deep inside I feign control
No one knows how I survived
From witnessing her fake retreat
As the anxieties await her fall
But tomorrow when she wakes
She realizes It was all a dream
So she fears to close her eyes
She might not like what she would see
And abhors the thought of being alone
The looking eyes and teeming faces smile
They attack by force again
And she is left shattered
Like the promises I gave
I hoped she could run to me
And leave her crying but comforted in my arms
She hides from me
She is terrified and devastated
But what could I do?
I could not touch her like I used to
I am not the one to love
Because I don't know love
Gifted, yes, I am gifted
But loving wasn't blessed to me
That's why maybe she runs and hides
Keeping all her feelings of me so long
But I still wait
I still bear seeing her wounded
Day by day die in her retaliation
Finally she stumbles
It is my turn now to act
She will not refuse me
I know she is desperate
I am the only one who could see
All her panic and hypocrisy
Then she looked at me
And gain I see her smile
She says her words again
I lend an ear this time
Listen to her soft voice
As I drift in my suppressed emotions
A tragedy befalls me
She no longer wakes
Forever did the demons take her
In my hands
Love dies bleeding
In my hands again
Love died

First part of my three entries is book reviews. Obviously, the title of this entry is a merging of three books I am to review today.
First book is Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabrial Garcia-Marquez. This novelette is actually my final paper for Eng 11. medyo mahirap siyang i-analyze kasi tricky si Marquez magkuwento. Basically, chronicle siya ng pagkamatay ni Santiago, the main character, 27 years later. The sequence of the plot goes back and forth so it makes you really rethink which one happened first and so on. Five chapters lang siya, isang upuan kaya ng basahin pero the thing is, it’s mostly a narration so you have to bear with the pacing. Overall, ok lang siya. Although I really could not identify what element it had that made it a classic or a bestseller. Oh well, weirdo talaga ang taste ng mga critics.
Next book is The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler. Self-explanatory rin ang isang ito and although a lot find it humorous, I find it a little boring. It’s not an obligatory kind of book and you could read one chapter (actually ala ngang numbering for chapters) one day and read the next one a month later sa sobrang light nito. It’s all about vaginas and the issues surrounding it, with some facts about the vagina, clitoris and all the other “members of the society”. The originality of the novel, I believe, is what makes it a hit and since medyo feminist ako, I adore the book.
Last one is The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Grabe, isang araw ko lang ito binasa sa sobrang gripping nung novel. I borrowed it from my Eng 11 classmate out of curiosity sa popularity ng book. The chapters are really short (hard-bound kasi yung binasa ko eh) and the pacing is Amazing Race-like. I find the cryptographic analyses really tactful and the plot is so scandalous yet believable. It actually made me rethink my religious beliefs dahil ang daming factual back-up ni Brown. No book, I think, has made such bold claims about the fallacies of the Church. I’m a Christian so medyo nadisorient ako sa mga sinabi ni Brown. The quality of the truthfulness of the facts said in the book is not the really the issue anymore. It’s more of how the reader will handle his or her acceptance of these facts and how he or she will apply it on his or her faith. Read it, and make a choice.

Wasn’t able to post the last few days kasi tinamad ako. So, kuwento ko lang yung mga important events na nangyari so far.
Nung Friday, I watched Kill Bill 2 sa Film Center and I didn’t like it. Or maybe kasi I was expecting the kind of action na nakuha ko mula sa Vol. 1. The thick of the plot of Kill Bill happens in the second volume although I still can’t understand kung paano nabuhay yung anak ni Beatrice and kung kanino yun. There were really pathetic scenes, really funny scenes and really pathetically funny scenes. The fight scenes were so simplistic mas lalo na nung namatay si Bill. The tutelage under Pai Mei was also blunt although yung paflip-flip niya ng mahaba niyang balbas was funny. Yung pag-uusap ni Beatrice and that Spanish guy who knew where Bill was was also pathetic. I had to commend Daryl Hannah kasi ang wicked, wicked niya dun. As a whole, Kill Bill (1 and 2) were properly directed, medyo Pulp Fiction-ish nga lang yung dating. Pero sige panoorin niyo rin baka magustuhan niyo.
Last meeting na namin sa Soc Sci 1 nung Saturday so that was a yehey, yahoo, hallelujah to me. kaya nung Monday, from 10-11:30 (actually hanggang 1kasi vacant po ang 11:30-1) ala me ginawa. Punta akong SM para manood sana ng The Terminal kasi sabi ng classmate ko maganda raw siya. Pagpunta ko dun, hindi pa bukas ang sine and ang first showing was 11 something. Malalate na ako sa Math pag nanood pa ako. So balik ako ng UP, at binasa ang The Da Vince Code sa Math Building.
Monday so Bowling day, ako na naman ang kulelat (54) kaya dala ako ng chichirya. I intended to read The Da Vinci Code there kaso sinita ako ng prof. na-piss off ako kasi andami –dami ng gumagawa nun dati and yet ako lang ang sinita niya. I don’t like yung isang ka-group ko doon kasi ewan basta inis ako sa kanya. Don’t like my group, actually, kaya tahimik lang ako doon and I mind my own business.
Yesterday, dapt magpapa-advise ako kasi pre-enlistment na. kaso, when I went to my adviser twice, ala siya. So I decided na magpre-enlsit na and i-edit na lang iyon when I have been advised. Here was my desired sched:

M-TH
8-10 Econ 11
10-11:30 break
11:30-1:00 Pan Pil 19
1-4:00 HRIM 100
T-F
10-11:30 Physics 10
11:30-1 Chem 1
1-2:30 Socio 10
W
10-11:30 Aikido

Pan Pil 19 is Sexualidad and chuva so mukhang interesting. Mukhang ala akong break pag T-F pero that’s ok, mas maganda nga iyon para pumayat naman ako. Lol.
Today was my 4th Math exam. Tungkol sa exponential and logarithmic functions, and trigonometric functions and their graphs. Medyo na-late ako so todo pressure akong dalian ang pagsagot to catch up with the missed time. Turns out maaga ko pang natapos. Madali yung exam, not bragging, although I’m not confident I’d get something like 87 or something dun. Basta maka-64 lang ako ayos na kasi yun ang score na kailangan ko para maka-3.
BTW, Chip and Kim won the Amazing Race. I really thought si Colin and Christie na kasi they were very strong and competitive (although I didn’t like them kasi ang hot-tempered hot-tempered ni Colin). Yun ang nakakatuwa sa show na yun, you never know who’s on top tomorrow or what’s going to happen. I betted on Brandon and Nicole but God thought Chip and Kim should win. Hay, good for them.
That’s all. God bless.

You're headed for the door
Yet the monsters run after you
And they reach you without effort
Then you slump back to your room
You've been encased like a ragged, ancient thing
The onlookers say you should be thrown
You have nothing but that plastered grin
And that fancy dress you never owned
They're tired of your silly smile
They've found a lovelier prey
However, you've made the monster's lives worthwhile
By making them haunt you day by day
They will go and fool another
Enchanting her to this sick place
We will be left to grit our teeth and wither
Reaching and yearning for the way
There's no use running to the door
Because it makes itself elusive
And then you'll regret, saying to yourself more,
"I should have seen though all their fibs
I shouldn't have wanted more
Instead be contented with my own
Now, I can never return to my world
I will live and die alone
Forever will I play this game
Until the onlookers had forgotten my name."

Nanalo FEU nung Sunday. I kind of expected that they would win considering Santos's performance. Good for them.
Suspended classes today. Something about the election of president. Dunno. I intended to watch a movie kaso marami pa akong gagawing papers. O di ba, i-prioritize raw ang studies over fun? Banal!Haha..
(May isa akong hindi kabanal-banal na ginawa: inubos ko yung P500 kong baon over eating at Kenny and Pizza Hut and buying myself the Meteora album... hehe)
Second account ko na sa Friendster (woohoo). Add me (himuradcliffe@slayer.org) kung type nyo lang. I have other accounts at Hipstir, MySpace, Tickle, Hi5... pero hindi ko na inaasikaso.
Anyway, I've noticed how fat I am now. Grabe I think I gained around 20-30 pounds this sem! I don't really get bothered by it anymore kasi I've accepted the fact na mataba ako and there seems to be no way for me to become slim. I just don't have the discipline and patience. Maybe one day I'd have it and voila! sexy na ang lola mo.
America's Next Top Model was sort of a recap nung mga nangyari the past episodes so nothing really interesting.
Survivor has become a really intense battle of the sexes. The women once again, won the reward challenge pero pagdating sa immunity, rumesbak yung guys. Dolly got voted out and the first impression I got from her was: "dumb blonde". Ang sama ko no?
Oh well, ayun lang... I have to do my shit... Ciao!

Interesting site about a Book Quiz. Puntahan niyo kung trip niyo. I'll be posting more sa sembreak (anlapit na! one week na lang!) woohoo!

You're To Kill a Mockingbird!

by Harper Lee

Perceived as a revolutionary and groundbreaking person, you have
changed the minds of many people. While questioning the authority around you, you've
also taken a significant amount of flack. But you've had the admirable guts to
persevere. There's a weird guy in the neighborhood using dubious means to protect you,
but you're pretty sure it's worth it in the end. In the end, it remains unclear to you
whether finches and mockingbirds get along in real life.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Interesting quiz uli. Puntahan niyo kung trip niyo.

You're Fiji!

As calm, relaxed, and removed from life as they come, you're just so chilled out, it hurts people to see you.  Everyone aspires to be where you are, but most of them just can't put their stress away.  Little do they know that even you sometimes have inner turmoil and struggles!  For the most part, though, it's sun and fun for you, and that's the way you like it.  It's just sort of hard to get things done with all that partying.
Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid